How to Handle the Emotions of a Subsequent
Pregnancy
- Written by Sari
Edber, lead facilitator of the MISS Foundation support group
With additions from co-facilitators and other bereaved parents of The MISS Foundation
There is a reason why subsequent pregnancies after a loss
are called “subsequent”. They follow some
of the most devastating, tragic, and life-altering experiences in our
lives. With our grief and our new set of
eyes as bereaved parents, naturally, our subsequent pregnancies will have new
emotions mixed in.
* As with grief, subsequent pregnancies may become very
complex…. and, once again, there is no right or wrong way to go through the
next phase of this journey.
* There are many juxtapositions
that can accompany a subsequent pregnancy
- Joy AND sadness
- Excitement AND worry
- Gratitude AND grief
- Being thankful for this new baby AND still wanting our
child that died.
- Trying to be hopeful that everything will be okay AND
being filled with anxiety and fear at every moment that something could go
wrong.
- Being appreciative for being pregnant again AND
thinking about how this new baby and the timing of the subsequent
pregnancy “should have never been” if our previous children had been okay.
* Family and friends may be
extremely thrilled that you are pregnant again and might assume that you have
“moved on” now and might be “back to normal”.
They may not understand the underlying complexities of this pregnancy
and all that it means in missing our previous child(ren).
* You may experience new emotions
upon learning the gender of your subsequent baby – whether the same or
different as the baby that died. We
logically know and understand that this next baby could never and will never
replace the baby that came before… but there is something about gender that connects the two. And, the people we know feel it too. They might say things like, “See, this is the boy/girl that you were meant
to have” (if it’s the same gender). Or, “It’s so much better to have a girl
first, anyways…” (if you lost a boy previously, and vice versa).
* Statistics… once you’ve had a
child die and have become a “statistic”, percentages and numbers tend to lose
their significance. It’s ok to be
nervous, anxious, and worried. Many
people will try to put their discomfort onto you and tell you to focus on this
new baby, to stay positive for this new baby, and to be happy about this new
baby. They might even try to tell you
that your fears will “rub off” on the new baby and make that baby more anxious
when he/she arrives. Ignore them. It’s hard, but try. And, just do whatever you can to get through
each moment of your subsequent pregnancy as best as you can.
* Grief is a life long journey;
and, you are never alone in navigating it.
Our group is open for all bereaved parents, no matter where you are on
this path.
