Going Back to Work After a Loss - Written and compiled by Sari Edber and Tracey Letteau of the MISS Foundation The decision to return to work is a difficult one that comes with many mixed emotions. You might want some kind of “normalcy” and routine back in your life, but you also might be anxious about seeing all of your co-workers again. Here are a few things that might help both you and your colleagues with this transition.
a. The news of your loss. According to your own preference, you can give as much or as little information about the death of your child. Some have found it beneficial to provide some degree of medical specificity about the death of their child, as others may be able to provide contacts or additional information in understanding certain medical issues. Also, some find it comforting to provide some detail, as people will “come out of the woodwork” and tell you about their own experiences with loss. However, this might also be a very personal experience that you wish to keep more private. Either way, be sure that you approve this email message before it is sent so that those receiving it will be able to use language that is both sensitive and supportive. b. Whether you would like co-workers to attend any funeral and/or memorial service and/or make donations on behalf of your child.
a. Prepare for the fact that some people might not know or have since forgotten that your child died-- they might ask about how your child is assume that nothing has changed.... You might want to have a line ready to say to these people: "Thank you so much for asking, but...." and, then, use whatever phrasing works best for you. b. Be prepared for the very common question, “Do you have any children?” You might want to come up with an answer in advance so that you’re not put on the spot when this happens. This might be the same answer that you say to people in #a (above). But, it might vary depending on the person and situation. After such encounters, the other person usually feels awful for asking this question, and your instinct might be to console that person. It’s okay to simply say, “You didn’t know/you forgot, and I know you meant well”, and leave it at that.
"God doesn't give you more than you can handle." "Don't worry, you can have another." "At least it happened early before you really got to know him/her." “At least you’re young.” “Time heals all wounds.” “You need to move on.” People think that they are being helpful, but they have NO clue what is comforting for us. Feel free to respond in whatever way you feel most comfortable. My general response for this is: “Thank you. I appreciate your thoughts.”
Sample email: Dear colleagues: As many of you know, we were expecting our first child this past summer. It saddens me to inform you that our son tragically died a few short months ago. While our grief is still incredibly new, we know that we are forever changed by this loss. I am sending this message to all of you because I am planning on returning to work this coming week. I will absolutely do my best in returning to my position at work. But, please be gentle and patient with me as I find my way back into the daily routine of my job. We have found a wonderful support network, called the MISS Foundation. If you so choose, we would appreciate any donations to this organization in memory of our child. You can donate at: www.missfoundation.org Your thoughts are appreciated by our entire family. Thank you, in advance, for your understanding, support, and sensitivity.
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