 FOR FAMILY AND FRIENDS: How to Comfort and Support Bereaved Parents Written and compiled by Sari Edber (sari.edber@missfoundation.org) With additions from co-facilitators and other bereaved parents of The MISS Foundation You are probably reading this guide because you love and care about someone who has experienced the death of a child. This is truly one of the worst tragedies that a parent can experience; and it is our hope that this guide helps you to better understand the complex emotions that accompany this type of loss. 1. Acknowledge that there is no “right” or “wrong” when it comes to someone’s grief.
2. Recognize that grief is a life-long journey.
3. DO NOT put a time line on the grief of bereaved parents or decide when you think they should be “better”. [1]
4. Understand that bereaved parents will never completely be back to their “old selves.”
5. Grief is not linear, logical, or predictable.
6. Be extra sensitive towards the bereaved parents if you are currently pregnant or have living children.
7. Be understanding of the complex emotions of a subsequent pregnancy or raising a subsequent child after a loss.
- Joy AND sadness. - Excitement AND worry. - Gratitude AND anger/grief. - Being thankful for this new baby AND still wanting their missing child. - Being appreciative for being pregnant again AND thinking about how this new baby and the timing of the subsequent pregnancy “should have never been” if the previous child had been okay. - Trying to be hopeful that everything will be okay AND being filled with anxiety and fear at every moment that something could go wrong.
o In fact, some bereaved parents note that their grief takes on an entirely new meaning once they see and hold their healthy baby: it makes what they lost all the more tangible.
8. Do some research on your own. [1]
- They will be very appreciative to not have to explain every detail of the circumstances surrounding their child's death once again to you.
9. Be gentle with yourself, too. [1]
- First, for the child that has died, who you also love and miss. - Second, for the bereaved parents, who will forever be changed by this tragic experience.
10. Practical advice – What to do? What to say? v DO help with any kind of logistics, planning, or organizing that would be helpful to newly bereaved parents.[1] Initially, grief can be an all-consuming process that sometimes hinders one’s ability to complete everyday tasks. o Show patience through this part of their healing and take the initiative without waiting for them to ask for help. [1] o This can include making funeral arrangements, organizing a memorial, cooking, cleaning, laundry, driving, grocery shopping, taking care of other children... o Try saying: “I can only begin to comprehend how emotionally drained you might be right now. I would love to help lighten your load. Please let me know what you would find most helpful right now (give some examples from above).”
v DO acknowledge not just the death of the child, but also the loss of what that child meant to the bereaved parents. [1]
v DO talk about their child. Do not avoid this topic for fear of upsetting the griever. [1] Not mentioning their child who died is likely to make them feel even more alone in their grief. o To them, this usually means that you don’t remember or think about him/her. o Most bereaved parents appreciate any kind of acknowledgement. o Bereaved parents think about their missing children ALL THE TIME. You will not be “reminding” them of something that’s not already on their minds. o Try saying: “I think about your child often. Would it be ok for me to bring up his/her name to you? Would you find comfort in hearing about how much I love and miss him/her too?” - DO use the child's name. [1] - There is a quote that says; “Mentioning my child's name might make me cry, but not mentioning his/her name will break my heart.” -Anonymous v DO talk about how special this child will always be to you o Acknowledgement that you also felt a loving connection to their child will likely bring much comfort. o Try saying: “I think about him/her often and he/she will forever hold a special place in my heart.”
v DO mark your calendar regarding the birth and/or death dates of the child and remember to contact the bereaved family each year. [1] o These milestones are often some of the most emotional and difficult. The act of remembering their child and showing compassion to the parents on these dates will mean more to them than you could possibly imagine. o The week(s) leading up to these milestones can be filled with both sadness and anticipation. Call beforehand to check in and see how they are doing. o Try saying: “I am thinking about you and remembering your child today. I hope that you have a gentle day honoring his/her memory. Please know that I am here for you. I love and miss your child always.” v DO remember to somehow acknowledge the bereaved parents on both Mother’s Day and Father’s Day o Bereaved parents are parents too, and the lack of acknowledgement as such often adds to their existing grief. o Try saying: “I’m thinking of you today. I can only imagine that Mother’s/Father’s Day might be difficult for you. Missing your child today and everyday.”
v DO ask if it’s all right for you to do something special to help others in memory of the child that died. [1] o Parents often find meaning in creating a legacy for their child, even in death. o Try saying: “If there is a charity or organization that you feel a connection to, I would love to organize and collect donations in your child's memory. So many people in need would be able receive help – all because of your child. What a special gift that would be for them.”
v DON’T forget about the bereaved father.[1] Both parents are grieving the death of their child– even if the dads may or may not show it publicly. o Men and women grieve differently. Because fathers can tend to be more private about their emotions, people often assume that they are “ok” and “being strong”. o Ask the bereaved father how he is doing and see if he would like to talk more about his own healing. Take cues from him directly, not from the assumptions that you make. o Try saying: “I am sure that most people usually ask you how your wife is doing. I want to know how YOU are doing. If you ever want to talk, please know that I’m here to listen.”
v DON’T think that the age of the child or gestation of pregnancy at the time of the loss determines how much a bereaved parent should grieve.[1] This was their child that they carried, nurtured, and had longed and hoped for. o By putting limitations on their love for this child, you are shattering their dreams all over again.
v DON’T pretend that this child never existed. [1] o If you are a grandparent or other family member, continue to include this child into your lives. - If you are talking about “all” of your grandchildren, ask the parent if they would like for you to include the child who died. - If you have a wall or shelf of family pictures, ask them if they would appreciate if you included a framed picture of this child, a special memento, or a symbolic quote that you find meaningful. WHAT NOT TO SAY:
- “It’s for the best.” - “Be brave, don’t cry.” - “Time heals all wounds.” - “At least it happened early on before you got more attached.” - “You’re young, you can always have more.” - “It just wasn’t meant to be.” - “There was probably something wrong with the baby, and it’s better this way.” - “It’s time to move on.” - “Be thankful for what you do have and don’t focus so much on this.” - “It’s just a bump in the road – you’ll get over it.” - “Your child wouldn’t want you to be upset.” - “You’re doing so much better.” OR “It’s so good to see you smiling again.”
- “See, this was the child you were meant to have.” - “If not for your loss, you would never have had this perfect baby.” - “If you are patient, everything works out for the best.” - “Now you know there was a reason for what you went through.” - “All of your worrying was silly – I told you everything would be fine with this one.” - “Try not to think about that baby and focus on the one right in front of you.” - “Now you are finally a mother/father.” - “Happy first Mother’s Day/Father’s Day.” - “Now that you have your healthy baby, you can go back to normal.” * In one way or another, all of these comments CAN trivialize the child who died, the depth of the loss, and/or the difficult process of healing. * DON’T try to use these lines to make the bereaved parents feel better. This is not only impossible, but it also can make the parents feel worse. [1] * DO listen with sympathy and sensitivity to how they are feeling and find out what does bring them comfort. * DO be sensitive to the fact that everyone has different beliefs about death. Just because you find comfort in one idea/value/view point, not everyone will find it helpful. For this reason, also avoid religious statements like: - “It’s all a part of God’s plan.” - “God needed another angel.” - “You’re child is safe and happy with God now.” * Some parents might find comfort in some of the above statements – but, let them verbalize these ideals to you. Do not put your beliefs onto them. * After experiencing the death of a child, the spiritual ideas that bereaved parents once held may change. DO NOT assume that any previous religious beliefs have remained the same. * Down the road, DO take advantage of this as an opportunity to talk with the bereaved parents about their beliefs about death. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- [1] “The Do’s and Don’ts of Grief Support” and “Being Effectively Present: An Invitation to Caregivers” The MISS Foundation is a 501 (c) 3, volunteer based organization committed to providing crisis support and long term aid to families after the death of a child from any cause. MISS also participates in legislative and advocacy issues, community engagement and volunteerism, and culturally competent, multidisciplinary, education opportunities.
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